Conflict is not bad per se. It would be a rather dull world if everyone were already in close agreement. Consider conflict to be the basis for defining new directions to explore, new challenges from which to learn. Difficulties usually arise from the way in which conflict manifests itself, most often from a clash of personalities.

Some of the aspects of conflict are summarized below. There may be many other aspects.

Two strong-willed people may have genuine differences of opinion on a matter under discussion or a single individual may take sharp exception to the consensus that is developing within the group. A problem often develops when these individuals take another’s difference of opinion as a personal attack on themselves. That is when you, as a leader, must take steps to defuse the situation before it acts to polarize the meeting so that nothing can be accomplished.

Try to separate the people from the problem. Listen for the true concern and try to formulate a win-win solution. Focus on the reasons behind the problem and ask questions for clarification. Maintain flexibility and try to help all members save face. Suggest that if one proposed solution/resolution does not work out, the other may provide an alternative and thank the individual for suggesting it.

Sometimes the conflict is more widespread than just between one or two members. In that case, examine how the issue under consideration is framed. The issue’s presentation may be contributing to the conflict.

Is the issue too narrowly focused? Consider the issue’s implications and try to place the issue into a larger perspective. Suggest, "This may be just part of a larger problem. Maybe if we consider …"

Is the issue too broadly focused? Look for the key point and narrow the issue. Suggest, "Isn’t the key factor really …"

Is the issue so broad that it has become too general or ambiguous? Look for key points that can be separated and considered individually. Ask for help from the group to be sure all the points are identified. Then ask their help again to prioritize the order in which they might be considered. Suggest, "This all seems a little confusing, but one key point might be … Can anyone pick out any others?" followed by, "Which of these points should we consider first?"

If the "combatants" simply refuse to be mollified, table the item for further consideration at a future meeting. This will provide a cooling off period during which you can discuss each individual’s concerns with them privately where they do not feel so defensive. Many times, simply showing that you care enough to listen to the individual will make it easier for that person to accept alternatives at the next meeting. S/he knows his point has been made.

Have a Good Fight!

What if you find yourself in the role of one of the "combatants"? Another member may take (a usually unexpected) strong issue with some plan you propose. When trying to mediate a conflict between others, one (or both!) may turn on you if s/he perceives you as being unfair – and perception is the keyword here.

You cannot adopt a passive approach and hope that the conflict will simply go away. It seldom does. Nor can you adopt a hostile or intimidating approach with the other person. That may alienate others as well as strengthen your antagonist’s resolve.

First, apply the time-tested palliative of "count to ten." Develop an automatic response that is neutral and gives both parties a chance to calm down. Then prepare for a fight! Depending on the number of people involved, you may wish to fight in front of the group or, more often, in private, just between the two of you.

A Good Fight should be conducted according to rules and it is up to you, as an officer/leader to see that the rules are followed. You should not refuse a fight. If something is important to one member, it is worth resolving. The fight should focus on reaching a solution, not winning a victory. Is the conflict over a question of fact or a matter of opinion? If a question of fact, call a "timeout" so each of you can ascertain those facts. If a question of opinion, both parties must realize that a compromise may be the only solution. If multiple issues are involved, only discuss one at a time.

Avoid name calling and "You" statements. Talk about yourself and then ask for feedback to be certain your "opponent" understands what you are saying. Do not try to read your opponent’s mind. Ask for clarification. Do not make a speech or try to assign guilt. Remember, your purpose is not "to win."

Once all the issues are identified, work toward solutions that are mutually agreeable. Seek areas where you agree and build from there.

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